Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Beware the Apple-Watchie

I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist at heart, not to the point of lining my walls with tinfoil or fashioning a stylish hat to match the walls, but I have been accused of being irrational in my thinking once or twice. To tell you truth I’m very suspicious of anyone who accuses me of being irrational, actually I’m just generally suspicious full-stop.

Now I’m not here to upset Apple fanboys or fangirls, I’ll readily admit Apple has some of the nicest looking gear on the planet but I have to question what their motives are, world domination perhaps? Apple is the most valuable company on earth and has squillions in the bank (although apparently in this country they don’t make any money otherwise they’d pay tax here right? Right?) Being the biggest and most well-known company they are well primed to take over the world on a whim.

You may be thinking, “Here he goes on one of his rants again” and I suppose you’d be right in assuming that but that’s pretty much one of the main areas of this blog so you can’t say you weren’t warned.

You were warned!
All tech companies are guilty of built in obsolescence and the unnecessary upgrade path forced upon us but I’m singling Apple out because I don’t own any of their stuff so they can’t trace me and make all my toys suddenly stop working*.

The release of the iWatch has triggered the conspiracy theorist in me, here’s another device to keep tabs on us. Sure it’s marketed as the smartest watch ever and it’s going to improve our lives but I think the reality is here we have a tracking device that is always on us, always! Not content to track our movements and whereabouts via the iPhone or iPad or iSomething-or-other we now have a watch, probably the only thing more ubiquitous than the mobile phone.

But I don’t think their plan is complete, they’re nearly there and they only need a few more iProducts and then it will begin.

I'm onto their evil plan - but I think they're onto me as well!

The iTakeover

Keep your eyes open for these products from Apple in the near future**

The iHat
This stylish piece of tech will know what you’re thinking and notify advertisers when you’re in the mood to eat or thinking about purchasing a new TV and conveniently send targeted advertising to your iPhone/iPad/iWatch.

The iFridge
Knows what’s inside it at all times, will receive information from your iHat when you think about eating and will let you know via your iPhone/iPad/iWatch if you need to restock

The iOven
Will receive notification from your iHat that you’re hungry and knowing what your eating history is will turn itself on to the correct temperature ready for you. The iOven will communicate with your iFridge and if your favourite food isn’t there will notify you via your iPhone/iPad/iWatch.

The iToilet
Designed to track a different sort of movement the iToilet will collect information about your diet and what you’re lacking in and will check with the iFridge if there is any food rich in what’s lacking and instruct it to suggest this to you via your iHat next time you think about eating.

The iPacemaker
Will monitor your heart rate and will adjust accordingly. If unhealthy eating is detected it will communicate with your iHat to discourage junk food via neural impulses. It will tell your i/Phone/iPad/iWatch to track your movements and will generate chest pains when you walk within twenty feet of a burger joint.

The iHouse
The ultimate iProduct. It will communicate with all the other iDevices and if it detects you are ignoring them will self-lock and not let you out until it detects a change of attitude via your iHat.

What happens when all this tech becomes self-aware and goes all Skynet on us? Our houses will actively try to kill us or at the very least, enslave us all.!

Where did I put that tinfoil?

* I fear they may be on to me already, I had published this post before then my laptop died a horrible sudden death. Seriously. It’s now no more than a stupid looking paperweight. I’ve had to re-post this from Pinky’s machine! Still think I’m paranoid?

** Probably won’t be coming to you soon.

Do you think they’re taking this sort thing too far?

Linking up with Grace at With Some Grace for #FYBF